A Knock at the Door

She knocked on the door with a quiet yet fervent panic. If Ryan had been in the bedroom instead of the living room, he probably would have missed her. 

He sat up, hoping the unexpected visitor would realize this was not the apartment they were looking for and go away. It'd been two days since he'd left the apartment. In his state, he had no strength to even open the door. But it came again, the rapid while subdued knocking. 

Ryan groaned as he rolled off of the couch and shuffled to the old door's peep hole. There was a woman standing there. Her hair was messy and her cheek was marked a bright red. She looked up and down the hallway before knocking again. 

Without any further investigation, Ryan knew she was in trouble. He reached for the doorknob but paused. Did he want to invite trouble into his home? He turned and looked at the small, cluttered and downright dirty apartment behind him. He caught his reflection in a small, cloudy mirror that hung alone on the opposite side of the room. His five o'clock shadow was reaching damn near nine thirty. The hair on his head matched the frantic state of whomever this was at his door. He was a mess, a mess with nothing to lose. 

He swung the door open but she was gone. Taking a hesitant step out, he looked to his right and spotted her, hand raised to his next door neighbor's door. Mr. Jenkins was a crotchety old man, never liked to be disturbed. 

"You alright?" Ryan asked her. 

She was startled but took no time to hesitate. As quickly as possible, she moved away from Mr. Jenkins' door and made her way inside of Ryan's apartment. He moved quickly to the side to make room for her in his space. 

"Are you alright?" he asked again.

"Please, close the door," Jessica whispered. 

Ryan obliged. 

"Please, lock it."

He obliged again, without hesitation.

Jessica uncrossed her trembling arms and moved towards the peep hole, practically pushing Ryan out of the way. Her eye searching the hallway frantically as far as it could reach. She didn't see him. He hadn't found her. 

Jessica's heartbeat slowed just a tad. It was close to steady but not quite there. 

"Thank you," she whispered in a quiet fright. She couldn't look at Ryan. She was scared and ashamed. All she could say was, "Thank you."

"Is someone after you?" Ryan asked. "Should I call the police?"

"Please, no police. The police won't help me."

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"He's one of them."

Ryan's eyes widened. He searched his apartment for answers and found nothing. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here. I just..I just ran. I'll go. I'm sorry."

Jessica made a move for the door but Ryan stopped her, holding her hand in his own. She pulled away instantly.

He eyed her face.

"Did he do that to you?"

Jessica lowered her head in shame. 

"Did he?"

She nodded.

"Come, move away from the door."

"He's going to come looking for me."

"I'll keep you safe. Don't worry about him," Ryan assured with unrecognizable confidence. 

"You can't protect me. I shouldn't have come here. What am I doing? I have to go apologize."

"Stop it," Ryan said with a strength that startled not only Jessica.

"You can't leave now," he continued, "We both know what will happen if you do."

She shuddered at the thought. 

"Please, come sit."

Barely able to lift her eyes to meet his strong gaze, Jessica took a seat on the couch. 

"Would you like something to eat or drink?"

"No, thank you."

"It's really no trouble. I was going to make soup."

"Alright, soup then."

As instantly as the first knock that night, there was another, only this one wasn't a quiet panic but a forceful rage. Loud and belligerent, it did not cease. 

Jessica jumped up from the couch, panicked tears rushing down her face. Before she could crumble, Ryan was by her side. He put one hand around her waist, leaned in close and whispered securely in her ear, "I've got you."

His touch made her feel petrified and protected all at once. 

"Go into the bedroom," he whispered again.

Without a word, she went.

Ryan moved towards the door, heart suddenly racing, as Jessica moved out of sight.

The knocking grew in volume. Ryan opened the door, just wanting the noise to stop. 

"Where is she?" he asked straight away, clearly drunk and disheveled. 

"I'm sorry?" Ryan asked, fixating his best poker face across his deceitful facade. 

"My wife, is she here? I thought I saw her come this way."

"Sorry, man. It's only me here, don't get many visitors."

The man stared at Ryan. Ryan stared back, unwavering in the face while the pace of his heart tripled, matching the pace of the heartbeat he could almost hear coming from his occupied bedroom. 

The man stared for one moment more before speaking. 

"Thanks anyway," he said, suspiciously. 

"No problem," Ryan replied, shortly.

He closed the door, his hand remaining on the knob. 

Ryan held his breath. 

Jessica held hers.

Ryan peaked out the peep hole to an empty hallway. 

Slowly, he locked the door, put the deadbolt in place and backed away. 

He moved to his bedroom where he found her seated on the corner of his bed. 

He sat beside her, careful not to startle her. She wept. 

Ryan put his hand around Jessica's shoulders. 

Again, she felt oddly petrified and simultaneously protected. 

"You're safe," he said. "You're safe now."

Dating Chronicles: Maybe It's Me...

Nothing wrong with a little self-reflection. I have stories for days about some of my dating horror stories but I'm not ashamed to say some of the horror comes from me. I'm human! Sue me! Just kidding, don't sue me. I don't have time or money. 

1. The time I started crying on a first date because it was going so well. He didn't seem to mind...maybe he somehow found it endearing? Either way, I don't recommend tears on dates. This situation eventually resulted in ME rejecting HIM. I have no idea how. 

2. Making a friendly bet on what most people would say is the first day of the week and then getting really fucking upset when everyone kept saying Monday when CLEARLY it's Sunday... general "know-it-all" pretentiousness....not a good look. 

3. Being TOO open TOO soon: going passionately on and on about my political, ethical, religious, social views, then sprinkling on some exciting stories about my eccentric, mildly mental ill, gay son and then daring my date to say boo about...any of this. 

4. Not shaving to make sure nothing happens...later wishing I had shaved. 

5. Coming across cocky or ridiculously insecure with no in between. 

6. Talking too much. 

7. Yawning too much. 

8. Being too fat.

9. Not dressing well.

10. Overthinking my weight, dress, number of yawns. 

11. Asking questions he's already told me the answer to in texts... i.e. not keeping up with the roster

12. Not giving him a chance

13. Giving too many chances

14. Hoping.

15. Giving up hope

16. Starting stories with, "My therapist told me the funniest thing..."

17. Falling... literally and symbolically...usually very painful. 

So, I don't know...maybe it's me. The fight goes on!!!!!

 

 

A Dream

The leaves fell to my face and disintegrated before me. That’s how I knew it was a dream. No matter how much he tried to assure me that he was real, I knew it wasn’t real. I looked deep in his eyes and told myself to remember, knowing it wouldn’t last forever.

I was in my high school. There was an escalator and the bottom and top floors were filled with thousands of people, almost like a stadium. The first sign it was a dream. I went to a large high school but not that large, no schools are that large.

There was a drink in my hand and I couldn’t seem to hold onto the ice tea or lemonade or water or whatever it was and proceed up the escalator at the same time. I had no balance. Awkwardly, I held the cup and tried to sip from the plastic straw while gripping the ascending escalator railing with both hands. I crouched over the side, cup and railing in hands and tried to stand up straight and balance myself. I couldn’t. The top was approaching. I saw two boys that I did actually go to high school with descending casually next to me.They were beautiful, even more beautiful in this world.

I reached the top, nervously. How would I get off of this difficult ride? I stumbled, as I surely knew I would. Stumbling was a common occurrence in my dreams, usually in heels. There were no heels this time but a lack of balance all the same.

My body dropped slowly to the ground as the escalator spit me out onto the top floor of the school. Still gripping that damn cup that I just couldn’t seem to let go of, I let my body fall.

Then, he was there. I had a feeling he would be, simply because this was a highly embarrassing moment. That’s always when they appear, isn’t it?

Suddenly, my high school was no longer my high school. It was my college and the top floor of the high school was now one of the grassy fields filled with trees that covered my college campus. We were outside.

He took my hand and helped me up with a smile. I hated how beautiful his smile was. It was his smile that let me know it was a dream. I hated that beauty because I knew it would flee, when I least expected it.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him as we walked through the field.

“I knew you’d be here so I came,” he responded shyly, uncomfortable revealing that truth.

It was hard to believe him. Things that made me blush were always hard to believe.

We walked more and the sensation hit me even stronger. I was fully aware that this was a dream. How strongly you usually don’t know your dreams are fiction is how factually I knew that this would all disappear, that he would disappear. Instead of being sad I instantly told myself to just enjoy it while it lasts.

He knew what I was thinking. I didn’t have to tell him.

“You’re not dreaming. I’m real,” he said, smiling that beautiful, artificial smile, trying his best to reassure me.

His blonde hair was long and scruffy. It settled around his ears and framed his tan face nicely. He looked a bit dirty in his red shirt with white writing that advertised whatever company he worked for. The sleeves were cut off and I could tell he was working hard in the hot sun somewhere before coming to see me. His jeans and boots harbored some specks of color; maybe he was a painter.

In his left hand he held his motorcycle helmet but I didn’t see his bike.

Taking my advice I wrapped both of my arms around his right arm and nestled my face right below his shoulder. The sun glistened on his skin. I inhaled his scent and told myself to remember. Again he heard my thoughts and told me not to worry.

The despair in knowing the dream was a dream became too much weight for me to carry. Letting go of his arm, I dropped to the grassy ground, the sadness shrouding my body with me unable to stop it.

His simulated smile grew into a chuckle as he joined me on the ground, humoring what he perceived to be my dramatic folly.

My face was inches from the ground; the sadness was too heavy and almost pushed my entire head through the grass and dirt. It was too heavy. He stroked my hair and rescued me. I told myself to remember as my head gained some strength. I turned over and lied on my back. The heaviness was easier to bear that way.

He lied down on his back beside me and held my hand. I tried not to cry, tried to focus, tried to remember, store the thoughts for later memories while I was awake.

“What are we doing?” he asked, indulging in the silly fun of this “dream” adventure.

“We’re in the sky now. We’re lying in the sky and looking down on the ground, except, it’s not ground but water. We’re staring at the sea.”

The smiling face turned away from mine and looked up with me as I rolled to my side in order to see what he saw. The waves rippled slowly as a stranded man in a lifeboat washed past our line of sight. This is how I knew for sure that we were indeed in the sky, looking down at the sea. The waves kept passing and I wondered if he could see them, wondered if the sights were the same for him even though it was my dream alone.

“Okay,” he said.

He squeezed my hand and stroked my skin with his thumb.

I told myself to remember as I watched the waves roll by.

Again he read my thoughts and told me not to worry.

I told myself to remember. 

This N*gga

I am the mother of two black boys. I am the mother that watches the news and clutches her stomach and prays and prays and prays to a god she no longer believes in. I am the mother who tirelessly strides to love them, protect them and push them as I see my great grandmother's vision in their eyes. When it comes to my babies, there is so much I could say. But I'm sorry y'all...I just can't today.

There is a distraction. And I don't mean whatever bullshit internet fad that's displayed to distract us as a people. Oh no. It's me. I am distracted. I am distracted by this god damn beautiful nigga. This man has me so wide open, y'all, I might need someone to come up here and catch me if I fall.

I am the woman who sits at the spoken word and endures the misogynistic bullshit wrapped with a poetic bow, nicely packaged bullshit that grown women actually clap for. I could talk about the black men telling me I'm a slut or a queen with no in between. There's no right to be ordinary within the black sanctuary. Thank you black man for instructing me to stay in my lane and so thoroughly defining precisely what that lane is. Talking about the hos with the fake fat asses putting us in the very boxes you criticize us for not liberating ourselves from. Go ahead. Judge the fuck out of her while you fucked the shit out of her just the other night...and the night before. The crowd claps as I make that face and think, "Man, fuck this nigga".

I am the woman who doesn't use the N word. Whether it's an "er" or an "a" I'm just not down with that shit. Nigga, if you knew where that shit came from, which I'm sure you do, you would think twice before you decapitated that ER and replaced it with that A to make it suddenly okay.

So many topics to touch, burdens to lay down, gripes to go around but none of them come to mind because all I can think about, all I can spit about is this goddamn nigga.

He sees me.

He sees me beyond my hips and my thighs , beyond my full lips and pretty brown eyes.

The pain that I hide, the insecurities in my stride. No matter how much I suppress, to him I'm transparent and he offers me rest. 

He sees me and loves me and pushes me and catches me. 

He makes me forget about him and him and him and her because for me there is only him.

Forever there is only him. Him and I. 

The only problem with this nigga? I haven't met him yet. 

Red Hot: An Ode (In Pictures)

Reeeeeedddddddd!

Reeeeeedddddddd!

I'd trust you with my taxes...and my vagina. 

I'd trust you with my taxes...and my vagina. 

Rough me up...red style.

Rough me up...red style.

You know those redheaded, bearded hipsters that everyone hates? I want to sit on their faces. 

You know those redheaded, bearded hipsters that everyone hates? I want to sit on their faces. 

Michael...my heart is yours.

Michael...my heart is yours.

He could get tough with my mud.

He could get tough with my mud.

I'd go to his show. 

I'd go to his show. 

I'd meet his parents. 

I'd meet his parents. 

Read me a book, please.

Read me a book, please.

Praise Jesus.

Praise Jesus.

Our Love Child, all grown up... :) Mommy loves you!

Our Love Child, all grown up... :) Mommy loves you!

Dating Chronicles: Online Dating/Slow Death

Picture it. Sicily. 1926. I’m a young woman crying into my meat sauce because I’m unhappy with my father’s choice of husband for me but what can I do? I just keep stirring. And crying.

Except no. I’ve just always wanted to ‘Pull a Sophia’. If you don’t know which Sophia I’m referring to...I’m SO sorry for you.

I was nowhere near alive in 1926 and my father would never arrange a marriage for me. I don’t know his exact feelings on the topic but I’d guess he (like me) has completely given up on me finding love. Oh, gosh I hope he’s not still hopeful. Are my parents still hopeful? Do they think I’m going to find someone? Are they praying for me to find a husband????? Oh, gosh, oh, gosh, I hope not. I’d feel so bad for the inevitable disappointment.

Anyway, back to the point. I don’t live in the age of arranged marriages (not in my country/region/culture/family anyway). I live in the dreaded era of ONLINE DATING! Cue horror music!

If I wrote a blog post for each experience…well, let’s just say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that”.

So here’s a painful list I’ve compiled painfully about my painful dating life.

1. The Chastity Belt: His profile says he’s looking for a woman to hold the key to his chastity belt. I instantly fall in love with the witty humor. We exchange a few messages and I suggest we meet for drinks. He says, “Before we do, you should check my profile again.” I furrow my brow in confusion but oblige and check out his profile. Next to his request for a chastity belt key holder he writes in parentheses: This is not a joke. I’m really looking for someone to hold the key. I need someone to fully control me. He then proceeds to send me pictures of these chastity belts (which are nothing like what I’d expect). They were more like ball clamps that look powerful enough to castrate the strongest of dicks. Drinks were not had.

2. The 1st of About 12: We met online. Exchanged numbers and witty banter. We plan a date. I text: Excited to see you. He texts back: Excited to see YOU *wink wink wink wink* He doesn’t show. HE DOESN’T FUCKING SHOW. Has the balls to apologize and the audacity to try and reschedule. I’m disgusted so I … reschedule. He doesn’t show again.

3. The Closet: We met online. He was the first white guy to ever really hit on me. My initial reaction was, “Who is this white boy tryna talk to me?” We exchanged messages, wasn’t long until I realized, “Oh, shit, he’s perfect.” That was startling. We exchanged numbers, texts, phone calls, went on dates…it was time for it to go down. I snuck him into my house when my kid was asleep. We ended up making out in my closet. My kid caught us. Fucked things up pretty bad with that one. Perfect man pretty much ghosted me since then and my son gives me wicked side eye. I’ve been hooked on white guys ever since and I just can’t shake it!!!! It’s awful. Next week I should blog about red heads. They deserve their own blog! My kid has since forgiven me, btw. There was a lot of bribery involved but...whatever works! No more boys in the closet. 

4. The Other Closet: We met online. He fell for me QUICK. We spent a LOT of time together. First date was perfect. Second date…I started crying it was going so well which is crazy but he appreciated it. We spent MORE time together. I started to pick up on things…gay things. Basically, he was gay, like, super fucking in the closet trying to date and cover it up (in fucking 2013) gay. I tried to back out gracefully. I didn’t want to say, “You share a bed with your ‘roommate’ and I’m not that progressive yet to be okay with whatever the fuck is going on here.” I gave the usual “it’s me, not you” routine but he wasn’t having it. His “love” was strong. *eye roll* I had to just come out and say it, “Dude, I think you’re gay!” His response, “I swear, why does everyone say that!?!”

5. Repeat Number 2

6. The Black Academic/Poet/Panther: We met online. Lots of messages, lots of witty banter. LOTS of big words being thrown to and fro. (Is that how you say that? To and fro?) Idk. Anyway. I’m thinking oooooooweeeee this is exciting! Returning to my beautiful Black roots. I miss Black…hands. I casually mention how I’ve been dating mostly white guys lately. Instant rejection. He can’t “get down with a sista that would be with a white dude.”

7. The Short and Sweet: yo, sup, hey, dick pic, hi, what’s good, sup, hey, hi, yo, dick pic, sup

8. The Republican: This actually led to the best sex of my life…then I found out he was engaged. That’s a thing that happens.

9. Repeat Number 7

10. Repeat Number 8 (except a married Democrat).

 God, it’s wonderful.

Dating Chronicles: The Black Mormon

I wrote a book y’all. I told my sister about it and she said, “Girl, you NEED to write a book about your dating experiences!” All I could do is shake my head and say, “Girllllllll, I can’t even.”

“Why?” you ask. Well, because my dating life is pretty typical of that of a young woman in America… pretty fucking depressing. There is nothing unique happening here but all the same, it is painful. These days, young people go through the dating world thinking, “Is this real life? This can’t be real life!” Oh, but it is.

I’ve been in two long term relationships in my life. I call that accumulation of seven years the years of blissful ignorance. I was protected by my respected boo thangs; I had no idea of the dating horrors, the horrors, I tell you!

So, because I’m strong enough to laugh at myself (or at least strong enough to front like this shit is funny) I’m somewhat answering my sister’s call and not writing a book about my dating experiences but posting some blogs about the madness instead. Let the Dating Chronicles commence!


First Up: The Black Mormon


The title alone should cause pause. What the hell is a Black Mormon? Yep, they exist. Did you know Black people weren’t even ALLOWED to be Mormons until the 70s????? Pretty sure that’s a thing…like, a fact. Anyway, not the point. Just adds to the weirdness.

So, I’m in college…maybe a sophomore, yeah a sophomore. I’m in between the two big relationships in my life and I’m living it up! I’m dating for the first time in my life (the first relationship was just sorta instant and we were super young. There was no "dating") and I’m loving it! I meet a Black guy that’s kinda quirky. He’s into old movies that I thought only I alone on the planet have seen, he plays guitar and he’s got big, curly hair! He’s different; he sticks out; he’s not annoyingly macho like all the football players; he’s great!

He asks me to “hang out” which is as official as dating gets in college. We walk around the main streets of our little college town. We stop for ice cream. From the conversation I start to pick up on his weirdness. He tells me he can’t eat strawberry ice cream because it terrifies him. I laugh, thinking I’m just joining in on his laughter because that MUST be a joke. It’s not, apparently. He’s not laughing. I brush it off and keep on keeping on because his muscles bulge through a his t-shirt soooooo, forgiven.

We come across a book store and he jumps, yes, jumps, in glee and asks if we can go inside. I say, “Hell yeah!" I like books.

Thirty minutes later, we’re still in the bookstore… he hasn’t spoken one word to me. His nose is stuck in a book on guitar chords…a book that I would assume isn’t that interesting or helpful without a guitar in your hands. Boy, was I wrong. His face looks serious. Then he smiles, he laughs, I swear to God at one point he looks like he’s about to cry, all due to this riveting book on chords. No narrative, just chords. Thirty minutes of me staring at him staring at chords. 

This is when I realize, okay, the cute weirdo might be a legit weirdo.

Finally, he speaks to me! He picks up a book of poetry, spontaneously losing interest in his chords and swiftly moving on to a brick-sized book of poems.

He turns to me and says, “I’m going to read you a poem.”

The first words he’s spoken to me the entire time we’ve been in the bookstore.

I offer up a hesitant, “Alright.”

The poem is long, like, really fucking long. He takes about ten minutes to complete the thing. That’s a long time in recitation!

Finally, he’s done! He looks up at me, searching my face for my reaction to the piece (that I 100% didn’t follow). I give him nothing because well, I have no idea what he just said and have nothing to give. Then he asks, “Would you like to read one?”

I’m a bit appalled but most of all just suuuuper uncomfortable. I politely decline.

I’m thinking he’s picking up on my discomfort and he offers to take me home. Wahoo!!!!

We get back to my place and "watch a movie". The typical term used before Netflix was invented.

Ok, I know. I know. How am I about to have sex with the weirdo? I’m in college, single, not doing shit…I really don’t know what else to say. Plus, he wore the super tight white t-shirt and I felt like a pink lady about to get it on with Danny. How does a girl say no to that?

We watch the movie, I snuggle up under his arm and inhale the cologne that fills the room with every rise and fall of his chest. I tilt my head and look up at him, making my move.

He pauses the film and I think, “Oh, hell yeah.

He pauses the film to turn to me, look deep into my eyes and explain to me that he’s a good Mormon, will do anything to please his God.

My soul thinks, “Ugh, I should be like you.”

My vagina screams, “#&*^#*#&**@”

He continues with his religious diatribe. I look deep into his eyes, listen intently and nod periodically, letting him know I completely understand. We are on the same page. 100%

Our religious guilt shortened our sexcapade to a mere thirty minutes of boning as opposed to the all night workout I was hoping for. But I was alright with it. The muscles were big, the who-ha was thick, I was satisfied. My weirdo, Black Mormon had done a body good!

The next morning, I wake up with a Black Mormon sitting at the edge of my bed, reading my bible. I shuffle and he realizes I’m awake.

With spirit he grabs my hand and exclaims, “Thank God you’re awake! Come, pray with me. I can’t handle the guilt!”

And then came the tears. 

Breaking Up With William

“You realize you’re crazy, right?”

“Why am I crazy? Just because I’m fabricating outrageous stories for a chance to connect with the man I’m desperately in love with?”

“Please tell me that’s rhetorical.”

 “The stories aren’t even that outrageous. They’re things that could totally be happening to me.”

“Yeah, but they’re not.”

“But they could.”

“But they’re not.”

“I know they’re not, but…”

“You, an intern, are asking Devin, the Head of the entire Marketing Department, for relationship advice on this ‘whirlwind love affair’ you’re having with all of these ups and downs, twists and turns, where you’re over the moon one day and distraught the next because Devin is the ‘only man you know that can give you the guy’s perspective on exactly what you should do’ except Devin doesn’t know, and will probably never know, that your torrid love affair with ‘William’ doesn’t exactly exist because William himself doesn’t actually exist.  And this all seems like a perfectly logical plan on how to get a guy to notice you?”

“Of course!”

“Are you insane?”

“It’s innovative dating. A girl’s got to have an angle.”

“It’s not innovative. It’s tired and trite. You’re trying to get a guy to like you by making him feel jealous and threatened by what in actuality amounts merely to an imaginary friend. You’re trying to play this ‘angle’ where you treat Devin like he’s nothing more than a gay best friend or a shoulder to cry on, naturally making him fall in love with you and wish with all of his might that you pined away after him like you do with William. Men, women, everyone, they’ve been doing this shit for years but they never stop to think about what happens when the truth comes out and you’re seen as nothing more than a pathetic liar who’s actually not valuable at all because it’s actually YOU that’s delivering those flowers to your desk at work and giving yourself those hickies that you desperately ‘try to hide’ and then not only does he only see you as a friend, or you know, JUST THE INTERN, which was the case all along because your stupid plan was never working, he will NOW see you as a stalkerish, deranged pest that’s so childish and desperate for a date that he couldn’t possibly speak to you ever again…like ever, for the safety of himself and his future family. I mean, how is he supposed to explain the psycho stalker girl from his past to his future wife? Ain't nobody got time for that!”

“Um, harsh!”

“Well, it’s true!”

“Look, listen to me, alright. Just listen. This can work. My plan is solid, completely tight. I’ve been talking to Devin about all of my issues with William for weeks now but this is the next step. It’s the most important step.”

“What is the most important step?”

“Don’t be facetious. I’m being serious.”

“Apologies. The important step.”

“William and I are breaking up this weekend.”

“That’s the step?”

“Yes, the most important step. I’ll come in to work on Monday, run straight into Devin’s office and dive deep into every heartbreaking detail of my break up with William. His face will light up. He’ll think, ‘Here’s my chance. She’s so sad. She’s like a cute little puppy. She’s vulnerable. She’s single!’ and then boom, BOOM! He’ll practically pounce on me right then and there but he won’t; he won’t because he’s a gentleman and respects me. Instead, he’ll be coy. He’ll act as if he’s taking pity on me, really feeling sorry for my sorrows…”

“Oh, there will definitely be sorrow.”

“…and he’ll sigh deeply and pause. In his mind he’ll keep reminding himself not to smile too wide, not to allow his pulsing love to reveal itself on his face. He’ll have so many emotions to control! He’ll be so incredibly nervous because he’s about to do it. He’s finally about to make his move. It will be glorious. He’ll look up at me and say, ‘Ok, look, I’ve been there. It hurts. Breakups are just awful, I mean, the absolute worst.’ He’ll grow in courage and in undesirable urge to touch me. He’ll take my hand and say, ‘Why don’t you let me buy you a drink. You look like you could use a drink. You look like a beautiful girl that was dumped by an absolute jerk and could use a drink.’”

“No.”

“No?”

“Make it so you’re the one that broke up with William. Don’t be too pathetic.”

“You’re right. He’ll take my hand and say, ‘You know what, you were always too good for William. Good for you for finally taking action and dumping that loser. You shouldn’t even be upset by this breakup. You should be celebrating. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to take you out for a drink. That’s right, a celebratory drink because damn it, you deserve it.’ My eyes will light up and I’ll sniffle away my fake tears and give him that smile, you know the one. I’ll say, ‘You know what? You’re right. This was a great idea. Breaking up with William is the smartest thing I’ve done all year and it’s already October! I think I’ll take you up on that offer, Sir. Let’s get a drink.’ And that’s when he’ll smile, you know the one, and he’ll think, ‘Got her,’ without even realizing I, I in fact, I am the one that just got him. It will be glorious!”

“Damn it.”

“What?”

“You just might be right.”

“I mean, duh!”

“It’s still totally pathetic but I can’t help but fully support your crazy. You got this.”

‘I mean, duh!”

        *****

“Well, how did it go? Did he buy it!?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“See, I knew that bitch was crazy.”

Pillars of Sand

He told me I am blessed.

That I do have a strong foundation.

Two of the most important pillars to stand upon: God and Family.

The words of encouragement instantly make me cry as these two entities slowly but surely drain from my life.

God, already gone. Family close behind.

I ask myself what’s left.

Love.

There is always love.

I seek love, yearn for it. It often escapes me.

Life without God is hard.

I’m agnostic.

Not by choice.

If it were up to me I’d bask in His glory with hands raised and heart open once again and always.

I’d always have someone there.

A listening ear, a constant comfort, the greatest force worthy of all worship, a frickin’ god that I'd be lucky enough to call my best friend.

I loved it.

I miss it.

But my brain gets in the way.

The silence he gives me outweighs the comforting presence I myself created.

Family.

It’s hard when you have family but no rock. No constant shoulder.

The support is there but so are the mistakes.

He tells me he’s always going to be there for me while he is awful to her.

Delusional of his overwhelmingly crushing crimes.

And the others are busy. Rightfully busy with their busy lives.

Hate to complain.

Hate to need.

Refuse to ask.

These pillars he credits to me are nothing but pillars of sand.

They sink swiftly, transform to quicksand and I drown.

My rock.

My strength.

Nothing but pillars of sand.  

Getting To Know You... Ok, Me.

Hello

 

I was once told the secret to success is obsessive, relentless persistence. I struggle not to call bullshit.

As a teenager, my dream was to be an actor and I didn’t really see it as a dream, more like, what was going to happen. I rejected my parents’ foolish talk of backup plans because backup plans were for non-believers and at fifteen years old, trust me, I believed in myself. I had the typical insecurities about boys, my weight, my skin, blah, blah, blah but when it came to my future, when it came to acting, well there was no question. I’d be an actress, I’d win an Oscar, and then I’d win another. Believing in my dream was the easy part. What I failed to realize was the work it would take to get there.

My biggest distraction was sex, maybe not sex but, this longing to experience everything, especially love and intimacy. I was raised by two strict, Caribbean parents that kept me on the shortest leash possible so I put all of my energy into breaking free. The energy was misplaced to say the least. Instead of focusing on goals that would propel me forward, I looked for adventure that would let me escape, even if only for a moment.

So, I went out and I got me some! First kiss at fifteen, first real boyfriend at sixteen, virginity lost at sixteen and then boom, first baby born at seventeen. For most, the dreaming would stop there but luckily for me, my teenage delusion was strong. I thought, “A kid? That’s alright, now I’ll just have a sidekick to accompany me to the top!” (In all honesty, I was freaking the fuck out…I could write about one hundred posts about being sixteen and pregnant and they’d all be filled with pure horror… but I still knew I’d reach my goal, simply because I wanted to).

Life marched on. My relationship ended, another began and boy did I just KNOW that this one was it! My childlike sense of invincibility didn’t dissipate until I was well into adulthood. It wasn’t until my second baby came along at twenty-three that I knew my dream was dead. Of course I could still do everything necessary to become an actress but to me that meant being a bad mother, putting my needs before theirs and that wasn’t an option, not then, not now, not ever.

I experienced a deep depression after my second son was born. It wasn’t post-partum; it had nothing to do with having a baby (in fact my second child has always given me a sense of peace…another blog for another day) but soon after having him I realized that I put my greatest dream to rest in order to fight for this picture of a family that wasn’t going to happen. My relationship with his father crumbled in as much of a whirlwind as it was created and the one thing I had a passion for was no longer a viable life choice. Depression doesn’t begin to describe the darkness of that time. I was in my mid-twenties, two kids, on my own, at a daily funeral for any hope for the future.

I learned to stop dreaming. In fact, I avoided it. I didn’t set goals; hell, I didn’t even make to-do lists. The real, tangible option of failure was too overwhelming. I can’t fail if I don’t try. That was my mastered motto. I worked a day job, I focused on my kids and I cringed any time anyone asked me about a five-year plan. I’d protect my heart by never wanting anything again. As long as my kids were okay, screw any personal desires. That mess just got me in trouble anyway.

But.

That can only last for so long. I’m creative. I’m driven. I’m hard working. I knew as a teenager that I was meant to shine. At that age it was this naïve sense of invincibility, the feeling that life would happen the way I wanted it to just because I wanted it to and nothing bad would happen to me or get in my way because well, nothing ever had before.

The perfect recipe for failure: Naivety+Talent+Entitlement.

But the tables have turned.   Now I’m in a place where I’m not itching to shine but to share, share my stories, my experiences and oh hell, shine a little bit too, to be an unapologetic and fearless writer. Remember what it felt like to be fearless? God, I envy children. I’m terrified because this time I’m enlightened to the possibility of failure. Failure is likely. I know I have the work ethic and the resilience to make my dreams come true, but now I’m scared, scared that even if I do work my ass off the dream may still not come true. I hear the teachings that I can do anything, any fucking thing I put my mind to and my gut reaction is, “Yeah, maybe”. I doubt because I’ve lost a dream before, a dream that I loved more than anything in this world.

But the thing is…I didn’t put the work into that dream. I got distracted. Life kicking me in the ass? Ninety percent of those flesh wounds were self-inflicted. Maybe I can try again and do it differently this time. Maybe this time I can stay focused and make it happen.

So here I am, taking a leap of faith. I want to be a writer. I still want to act but I’ll wait for my babies to be full-grown before I pursue that again. They still come first. But in the meantime, I want to write and write and write. I wrote a novel that I love and am excited to put out into the world. I’m going to share some of it here along with my other writings. My stories are short and sweet and dirty and sometimes bizarre. I like them and hope you will too. I need to combine my teenage assuredness with my adult work ethic and make this happen. Do I believe that my dreams will come true if I’m obsessively, relentlessly persistent? Is that really the secret to success? I guess there’s only one way to find out.