My love, my love, my love. Parting is such sweet sorrow, especially with you.
For many years, you have been the light of my life. In joy and pain, every moment was better experienced with you by my side.
I hate to leave you, my love; I've tried before but to no avail. I tried to just see you on Fridays, my special day with you, but when you'd call me on a Tuesday, a Wednesday, oh god, a Sunday, how could I ever say no to your sinful seduction?
And no, it's not only me. You have other loves, women fall at your feet, women just as powerless as I against your sweet bliss. I never cared. We'd enjoy you together, side by side, escaping our cares and drowning in your love.
Oh god, how will I do this? How will I ever survive?
My dearest frozen yogurt, I must be strong; you must be strong. We must say goodbye.
I have met someone new. He will never compare to you. His name is Kale and he's boring and always green with envy of our love but he's good, oh so good for me. He's the one I should be with. Please forgive me, my love. It is time for me to finally start doing what's best for me.
I am freeing myself and you as well. Go on and feed the children of the world. Go on and comfort the lonely and depressed. Go on and be the basic, white girl staple. You've found your calling and are fulfilling it marvelously.
But it is now my turn. My turn to find my own path, a path towards my new "love" Kale, a path towards exercise, a path towards bending over, tying my shoes and not being lost for breath.
My dearest frozen yogurt, maybe some day our paths will cross again. Maybe one day I'll see you in the streets and be able to say a simple "hello" without dragging you to my bed.
Lord, give me strength.
Alright, I've dragged this on too long. I must walk away. I love you frozen yogurt. I always will. But I must go a new way, take a thinner path.
Wishing you all the toppings in the world.